Impulse-buying from Whole Foods, it’s done bit me more often than I care to admit. I run in to pick up a few things I need for dinner and something catches my eye over in the bakery case, only to break my heart once I stuck a fork in it. Sometimes it’s a pretty cupcake, others it’s a fluffy mousse.

Today it was The Elvis.

Of course I bought it. I’m no robot! The damn thing’s got two labels on it: “Vegan” and “The Elvis.” If two words were to describe my religious beliefs, these would be them. Oh, and then there’s the flavors implied by “The Elvis,” namely peanut butter and bananas. Get into my basket!

And look how pretty it is! Layers of banana cake with peanut butter frosting and a chocolatey top—how could it go wrong? Well, I think it’s painfully obvious to us all at this point how wrong it went. This was the saddest-tasting cake I have purchased to date. It gave vegan baked goods a bad name.

The cake was tough, more like a flavorless banana bread. I think I actually tasted baking soda. It was impossible to stick a fork through it; we had to eat it layer by layer. The frosting was just greasy, and the top had salt on it that didn’t have a chance to intermingle with any of the other flavors so it was just salt sitting on chocolate. Boo.

Silver lining? I am beyond inspired to make this 1000 times better myself.

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