dear god of fried foods

I make my sacrifice to you, oh great God of Fried Foods. I give my flesh to your fury. You’ve taken t-shirts, pants, and they were not enough. Are you sated now, oh Great One?

I kneel before you and your most glorious power to make everything taste better. Mushrooms, breaded cheeselike substances, even coconut-battered Oreos are made magical with your touch. I have never doubted you, never turned from you in the name of Diet, yet you send your spirit—in the guise of canola—onto my person?

I accept your judgment and will forever bear your mark. I am yours.

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