I make my sacrifice to you, oh great God of Fried Foods. I give my flesh to your fury. You’ve taken t-shirts, pants, and they were not enough. Are you sated now, oh Great One?
I kneel before you and your most glorious power to make everything taste better. Mushrooms, breaded cheeselike substances, even coconut-battered Oreos are made magical with your touch. I have never doubted you, never turned from you in the name of Diet, yet you send your spirit—in the guise of canola—onto my person?
I accept your judgment and will forever bear your mark. I am yours.